"Sure, there have been deaths in boxing, but none of them serious." (Alan Minter)
"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Darryl Gibson comes inside of him."(New Zealand rugby commentator Murray Mexted)
"This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother." (Ted Walsh horse racing commentator)
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." (Winston Bennett)
"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it, which is identical." (Murray Walker - F1 racing commentator)
"I would not say that David Ginola is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better." (Ron Atkinson - soccer coach)
"Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew." (Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race1977)
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field" (Metro Radio)
"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seems to hang in the air for even longer." (David Acfield)
"What will you do when you leave football, Jack. Will you stay in football?" (Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live)
"And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class." (David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics)
"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them.....Oh my God! What have I just said?!!!" (US PGA Commentator)
"For those of you who are watching in black and white, the blue is behind the brown." (Ted Lowe, Snooker commentator)
Showing posts with label Sports Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sports Jokes. Show all posts
Friday, April 25, 2008
No Butter
Toward the end of the golf course, Harry somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods. He found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up trashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden ...POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said,
"I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life . . . . . As a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"
THEN POOF! . . . . she was gone.
After Harry got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend,
"Fred, where are you?"
Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the pussy willows."
Harry yells back......
"DON'T SWING FRED!!! DON'T SWING!!!!!"
All of a sudden ...POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said,
"I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life . . . . . As a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"
THEN POOF! . . . . she was gone.
After Harry got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend,
"Fred, where are you?"
Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the pussy willows."
Harry yells back......
"DON'T SWING FRED!!! DON'T SWING!!!!!"
Two Golfers
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course,
became confused as to where he was on the course.
Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.
He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew that
hole he was playing.
She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the
6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with
the same request.
She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on
the 13th hole."
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.
The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help.
I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"
She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."
"No, I won't", he responded.
"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.
She said, "See I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you."
became confused as to where he was on the course.
Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.
He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew that
hole he was playing.
She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the
6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with
the same request.
She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on
the 13th hole."
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.
The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help.
I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"
She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."
"No, I won't", he responded.
"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.
She said, "See I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you."
The Old Explorer
A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."
The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."
The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ROARRRR!"
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."
The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."
The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ROARRRR!"
The Laws of Golf
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, you should have inner peace knowing that a worse one is yet to come. (This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.)
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. (Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water. Expensive clubs have been known to be partly made with this most unusual natural alloy.)
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.(Funny how this law also applies to men who have no sex and advice on picking up women.)
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. It will swallow your balls.
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed. (Your Mother in Law, does not come close.)
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt."
Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. (Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water. Expensive clubs have been known to be partly made with this most unusual natural alloy.)
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.(Funny how this law also applies to men who have no sex and advice on picking up women.)
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. It will swallow your balls.
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed. (Your Mother in Law, does not come close.)
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt."
Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.
Blind Skydiving
A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."
Baseball In Heaven
Two buddies, Bob and Earl, were two of the biggest baseball fans in America.
Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.
"Bob, Is that you?" Earl asked.
"Of course it's me," Bob replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."
Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.
"Bob, Is that you?" Earl asked.
"Of course it's me," Bob replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."
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